Friday, May 30, 2008

And Then He Kissed Me! Part 4

Saturday came and went, and still no call. Every time the phone rang my heart would jump. No such luck. I was crushed.

Sunday came and I went to church by myself that day. My roommate had to work so I had to brave the 'singles ward' alone. And I do mean BRAVE. The 'singles ward' was a meat market. It was a shock to my system, just moving from Wyoming. I didn't really know anyone in the ward yet, so I sat by myself in one of the smaller pews. The organist was softly playing the prelude music and this pudgy red headed guy sat next to me.

"So are you new in this ward?"

"Um, sorta. I've been going to this ward for about a month now."

"What's your name?"


"Nice to meet you Jennifer." He flashed me a slimy smile. "I'm Herbert." (that wasn't really his name. I just chose to forget his name)

By this time the Bishop started to conduct Sac. meeting. "Our opening hymn will be on page so and so."

I went to grab my OWN hymn book, but "Herbert" was quick to offer his to share. He scooted in close to me then put his free arm around me! Ahhhhhhhhh! Where was "plumber guy" when I needed him? Why didn't he call me? "Plumber guy" would have never been this rude! But then if "plumber guy" did do this, I probably would've scooted in closer to him. "Plumber guy" was delightful, "Herbert" was icky.

This Sunday was Fast and Testimony meeting, so after the Bishop shared his testimony with the ward he turned the time over to the flock of singles. My thoughts of "plumber guy" were then interrupted.

"Are you going to bare your testimony?"


"Are you going to bare your testimony? You know, you should."

"Um, I don't know." There is nothing more that I hate than having someone pressure me into situations.

"Herbert" then took my hand (oh yes... he did). "There are certain parts to a testimony, ya know." He touched my thumb and said, "first, you must acknowledge your blessings....blah, blah, blah." He continued to do this with EVERY finger. I could feel my fingers begin to shrivel up and die. It took everything in me to not slap him. Ahhhhhhhhhh! All of the sudden "Herbert" put his hand on my CHEST! In the middle of Sacrament Meeting! In the Lord's house!

"You have to FEEL your testimony HERE," he said, as he molested me.

"Herbert" the pervert then walked up to the podium to bare his testimony. I needed "plumber guy" more than ever now. If "plumber guy" was here, he would've have decked "Herbert" the pervert right in his pasty, white, freckled, nose. POW!

Herbert the pervert then started to bare his testimony.

"Brothers and Sisters I have just met the most wonderful young women named Jennifer. And if I'm not mistaken, the spirit has told me that she could be the one."

Everyone in the chapel turned around to see who he had claimed was "the one". All eyes were on me. "Oh please do not let anyone think that I'm with this perv!" I thought. "I'm suppose to be with the man of dreams.... my plumber."

When sac. meeting was over, "Herbert" the pervert asked for my phone number. I gave him a fake number and NEVER stepped foot in that ward AGAIN! I couldn't face going to Sunday School or RS, so I quickly ran to the church doors, with cheetah like speed. The Bishop ran after me to the parking lot and profusely apologized for "Herbert" the pervert's actions. (Oh yes, the Bishop saw EVERYTHING) He then told me, "Herbert can be a little too forceful (just a little), and I just want to warn you to stay away from him." The Bishop had to warn me about "Herbert" the pervert. He then told me that he was going to have a "talk" with him.

I quickly drove home and slipped into a comfortable pair of boxers, that I subbed for shorts, and an over sized tee. I slipped in a good movie to put mind at ease. This day had been a rough one. Between being molested in sac. meeting and obsessing whether or not the man of my dreams was going to call, I was exhausted.

Darkness rolled in and all of the sudden the phone rang. I didn't want to get my hopes up. Usually if the phone rang on Sunday it was one of either mine or my roommate's moms. My roommate answered the phone. "Jen, it's for you! It's him!" We then jumped up and down in unison together. He called! He called! He called! I quickly regained my composure.


"Hi, how are you?"

"I'm doing good. I had an awful experience at church though. I'll have to tell you all about it." (clever girl. way to draw him in)

"Well actually, I was wondering if I could come over. I need to talk to you."

"Yeah, come on over."

He sounded so serious. Was he going to tell me that he couldn't see me... that he was in love with someone else? Maybe he knew I was "the one" and why waste time and propose right now. I rushed to the bathroom and quickly applied a new layer of make up and re-styled my hair.

Knock, knock.



"Hey do you want to go on a walk?"

"Sure." I quickly gathered a sweatshirt and we were off.

"So what do you need to talk to me about?"

"Oh, I just wanted to see you."

YAY! He just wanted to see me! That's a good sign! We walked around the neighborhood and carried on with delightful conversation. We were becoming more and more comfortable with each other. He walked me back to my apartment and this time I didn't sprint to my apartment door. We sat on the steps and talked some more and he asked me out for next Friday. He couldn't stay long, because he had to go to work early in the morning. That was okay, though. I got my dose of "plumber guy". He then hugged me and we said our good byes, and see ya laters. Still no kiss. But he gave me plenty to dream about that night.

Things were moving along beautifully with "plumber guy". But, alas, still no kiss. When would it happen? Would it ever happen? Did Jennifer ever recover from being violated from "Herbert" the pervert? We shall see.


  1. Oh my Goodness!! Talk about a creepy Herb! Thank goodness the "plumber guy" came to your rescue after such a terrible experience. Loving this story Jen!

  2. Aaaagghhh!! I got the willies with that one! How creepy! Yikes!! So glad you got another dose of "him"! Almost makes molestation worth it. But maybe not...

  3. Herber the Pervert. And the molestation... And the bishop 'warning' you about him. It's almost too good to be true!! But I know you so I KNOW it's true! I seriously cannot believe he touched your boobs in church.

    I can't wait for the next installment.

  4. Oh yes! It did happen. The sicko! I saw him once at Applebee's after Steve and I were engaged. I know, shocker about him working at Applebees. It's probably perv central there.

  5. Eeeewwww! I CANNOT believe that he grabbed you like that IN CHURCH! Guys like that should be banned from the single's ward. Especially if the Bishop already knows he's creepy with girls. ICK! Can't wait to hear more of the story!

  6. I can't believe I haven't heard this story before. That is so nasty. You did the right thing to leave the building and never return!

  7. I get felt up everyday going into work but I can honestly say I've never been felt up in church!! that's a first. Now I know why I never went to the singles ward.11

  8. Just to clarify something!! I work in a prison so we go through a metal detector and get pat searched going in. Just so you know!! It is highly entertaining!!!


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