Thursday, May 15, 2014

No Boys Allowed - Part 3

A couple of months ago, I woke up from a deep sleep, panting and dripping in sweat.  A wipe of my brow and few deep breaths in and out, I managed to compose myself and I began to wonder what terrifying dream could cause such a reaction.  I strained my brain, as I tried to remember the events that developed with in the cockles of my brain, while deep in REM sleep mode.  Then it hit me... my house looks like crap.  My carpet looks like crap.  Stains galore!  Just the other day, Homer (the Gomer) marked his territory, by peeing in the middle of the hallway as soon as I took him out of the bath tub. 
 My walls look like crap.  Dents, scratches, red sharpie marker works of art, destroyed corners, and not to mention Homey has used his bedroom walls as a punching bag. They are in need of painting and repairing.
  My bathrooms and kitchen are dated.  When I look at my kitchen cabinets, I must fight the urge to break out into a popular song and dance from the 90s - Mmmmm Bop performed by the band, Hanson.  Not good!
My household is never quiet and is never ever, still.  I feel as though my boys have a secret plot against me.  Their main purpose is to make me go crazy.  It is working.  The proof is the above nightmare, that I mentioned.
I knew I needed to do something about the dire need to refresh and redo my poor, worn out, home.  So about a month ago I began the very slow process of "changing things up".  I knew that by adding new colors, new styles, new finishes and textures, would do my heart and sanity some good.  Due to my pathetic excuse of a budget, lack of time, and well, let's face it... my boys can be evil, it will take me a good amount of time to accomplish my makeover visions. 
I know what you are thinking.  You are thinking that my makeover visions will resemble those of my dream Zen Cottage.  Not so much.  Could you imagine what my boys would to such precious items and décor?!?!?!  Can you imagine the fungus?!?!?!  The stench?!?!?!?!  It's enough to send me in to anaphylactic shock!
No, instead the décor of my home has a common theme, through out - camouflage.  What colors, textures, and surfaces can I use, that will camouflage the scuzz that each and every knick knack will encounter.  *sigh*
One of the rooms that I want to tackle in the re-design area, is the main bathroom, upstairs.  I am seriously considering using the color schemes of fungus green and urine yellow.  Yes?  No?
The color "white" is a big no-no, when you live with four boys.  However, check out my dream, cottage, bathrooms!  So fresh!  So clean! 

Love the look of re purposing an old dresser in to the bathroom sink!  If I were to re purpose one of my boy's dressers, I would somehow have to figure out a way to incorporate Lego stickers, bite marks, and purple paint stains.  Don't ask.

My dream zen cottage bathroom would also require fancily shaped mirrors and fresh bouquets of flowers.
 What kind of cottage bathroom, would even be considered a legitimate cottage bathroom, without a blingy chandelier and claw foot tub?  Any other so-called cottage bathroom, that lacks blingy chandeliers and claw foot tubs, should just be ashamed of themselves!

 My zen cottage bathroom would also include precisely placed, neatly wrapped, soaps, potions, lotions, and sponges.  They would of course only be used for décor purposes and would never actually be used to bathe oneself.
I must have a pedestal to place my goat milk soap on!
 I just had a vision of what a large apothecary jar, filled with bars of soap, that was placed in our main upstairs bathroom, would look like.  A big globular, slimy, clump, of soap remnants.  Instead of a monochromatic theme of whites and creams, there would be a rainbow of marbled green Irish Soap, white Ivory Soap, green Lava, and yellow Dial Soap.  They would be the thickness of a piece of paper, broken into pieces, and caked on with dirt and some questionable hairs.  Yeeeeeesh!
Wooden toothbrushes?  Yes please!
 Is there no end to the plethora of uses of the almighty and versatile Mason Jar?  I think not!  I am seriously considering using one of my antique, blue, Mason jars to house tampons...

It's a well known fact that the bathroom can be a retreat of calm and child-less pleasure.  A nice warm bubble bath, candle light, and soothing tunes can transform a mommy into a ball of happy mush.  
It's rare for me to experience such pleasure.  Just today my 16 year old stood outside of my locked, bathroom, door, asking if I can buy him some tank tops for summer, while I was sitting upon my toilet.  *crickets chirping*  I wanted to reply to his demands with a lovely melody of horrific sounds and smells that multitudes of bathrooms house, day in and day out.  But instead, I chose to yell at him.  It's what every normal mom would do.
I know someday, I will miss the little voices telling me stories on the other side of my locked bathroom doors. But there is something to be said, about cherishing a little "mommy me time"! 
When that day comes, I shall be engulfed in a cloud of sheer bliss and something miraculous will happen.
Obviously, Tad here, is owner of his very own Zen Cottage Bathroom.

 Koom by ya, Tad.  Koom by ya.

Friday, April 11, 2014

No Boys Allowed - Part 2

 Every time I clean our bathrooms, I am thrown in to a series of emotions and reactions.  None of which, that are pleasant.  Before entering one of our bathrooms, I say a little prayer.  A prayer for strength and endurance, so that I may survive what ever atrocious sights, substances, and smells that I will encounter.
 Today was no different.  Today I cleaned the bathroom that Homeboy uses!  *insert dramatic GASP*  When first entering this bathroom I was immediately taken back at the sight of Star Wars themed undies, carelessly draped on to the top of the toilet.  From past experiences, I have learned to only handle my boy's undies, by the waist band.  It only took one time, that I mishandled a pair of little, boy, tighty, whities, and I forever learned my lesson!  One can only imagine the horrific substances that have been left in their undies.  I would be a very rich woman if I were paid for the many conversations/discussions of how to correctly wipe (preferably with toilet paper), after one has finished their bathroom duties.
Once I had quickly disposed of the nasty undies, I began to chisel away the hundreds of dried, toothpaste, deposits.  I can only compare Homeboy's teeth cleaning routine to that of a circus act.  How on earth does he manage to get toothpaste on the ceiling?  On the CEILING!!!
The many hours that I have spent cleaning our bathrooms, has given me the opportunity to fantasize some more about my Zen Cottage.
How lovely would this door be, as you entered into my cottage?
Our front door is in desperate need to be painted and I mentioned to my husband that perhaps we could paint the door with a bright and cheery yellow.  Or how about a green apple color?  So fresh!  So uplifting!
Folks, I literally witnessed my husband go into a catatonic state, at the mere suggestion of painting our front door an appealing color, other than white.  I was close to having to lay him down on the ground and placing him on his side, for the fear that he would swallow his tongue.  Good grief.

I dream of having an inviting and appealing cottage porch!  Who cares if I place a ridiculous, mass, amount of wicker furniture!  

Of course a cottage porch is not complete with out a strategically placed rocking chair, fluffy pillows, and a soft throw!  Oh, and don't forget your sun hat!

My cottage porch will be sure to coordinate with every holiday and season!  I especially love the Fourth of July bunting, below!  I would love to adorn our very own front porch with a festive bunting, but I am sure to always encounter rolling of eyes, complaints, and visions of boys using the bunting as target practice.

Esqueeze me?!?!  Are those matching beds on this cottage porch?  Can't you just imagine, gentle breezes, reading a good book/magazine, and partaking of a refreshing glass of lemonade (with condensation dripping on the outside of the glass!)?

 Who on earth, would ever think to place an armoire on the cottage front porch?  Well, I would of course!  You need something to store all of your fine linens and throws!

...and a hutch, mounted to the front of your cottage, to display your fine China.  Okay, I have to admit this is a little far fetched.
I have always enjoyed the notion of creating a beautiful and inviting porch.  It's my hope that my friends, family, and all those guests who visit us, would feel immediate acceptance, kindness, and belonging.  I do realize that my fantasy, Zen Cottage Porch, isn't really "do-able" at my home.  Instead my, porch will include the green, colored, pencil, scribblings on the concrete and bird house.  My front door and wood trim, needs to be painted.  Many times you will have to step over scattered legos, and squished bug guts, as you enter the front door, but I do know that my front porch displays a message that represents my crazy, energetic, testosterone filled, home.  It's filled with love, laughter, and a lot of yelling! 

Now it's your turn!  What does your front porch say about you and your family?  What would your "fantasy porch" look like?

Saturday, March 22, 2014

No Boys Allowed - Part 1

I have lived in a household of all boys for 18 years now.  In the beginning, it was only me and my husband.  Although he was a little messy and trimmed his toe nails with our new steak knives, he was still very tolerable.  He helped me dry dishes and he was and still is, to this day, incredibly handsome.  And then we added three more boys to our humble abode.  With each new boy addition, the messes have tripled, the noise level booms from the rafters, and stench wafts through every pore, nook, and cranny, of my home.
Earlier today I ventured to our downstairs, living area.  If you can call it that.  As I turned the corner of the bottom of the stairs, I was slammed into a wall of horrific smells that could strip the hair off of a cat.  I tried to escape it, but everywhere I turned, there it was... the smell of butt.  That's right folks!  My basement wreaks of bun holio. 
Maybe it was the toxic fumes, the constant picking up after my boys, or witnessing the many holes, stains, precious items broken, that caused this magnificent dream to pop in my head...
"I should totally build a cottage in my backyard, for me!  And only ME!  No boys allowed!  No toxic farts.  No legos.  No boys accidentally kicking holes in my walls, while doing skate boarding tricks.  Peace and quite.  My own little Zen cottage!"
Now the prospect of my little dream actually becoming a reality, is highly unlikely.  But one can dream.
I thought it would be fun if you joined me in my little day dream adventure, of Jen's Zen Cottage!
Hark!  If I were to build my Zen cottage in my backyard, this would be the path I would walk on, to escape testosterone city!
 Imagine the many warm, starry nights, of rocking in my rocking chair, on my wrap around porch!  You can join me and we can drink lemonade and listen to the crickets chirp.  *sigh*

Seriously, could you just die at the lovely-nous?!?!

I look at the perfectly, placed, pots of flowers, in front of these cottages and think, "If I ever attempted to put, perfectly, placed, pots of flowers on my front door steps, I am sure they will be used as a bathroom."
  I wouldn't put it past Homeboy to do such a thing.  Remember when he dropped his drawers in the middle of our driveway and dumped a Stanley steamer, poo mess, right there?!?! 
I just can't have anything nice!
Stay tuned for my further posts of my delusions, I mean my dream Zen Cottage!
*all pictures posted, are from the wonderful Pinterest website!  It's like crack man!*

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Toddler Torment

Once again, I have embarked on my journey of being mother to another active toddler!  I'm not sure what I have done to deserve such torment, but obviously I have many, many, many, lessons to learn. 
B-Man began to walk in May and ever since then, I have not sat longer in one spot, for more than 5 minutes.  With as much getting up and running after speedy toddler, you would think I would be rail thin...  Not so much.  I have gained the most weight when my boys were toddlers. 
 Oh, Homeboy tagged a total of 20 surfaces (leather recliner, included) with his first initial "C"....
Where's the chocolate?
Oh, silly B-Man!  Where on earth did you find a poopy diaper?  And since when have you used the highly, aromatic, yet deep, earth-toned, brown, hue of poo, as an artistic medium? 
I need a swig of Dr. Pepper!
Oh dear teenage son, thank you, again, for not coming home on time!  I know you are only 1 HOUR late.... I will try my hardest to not envision you bloody and maimed on the side of a road, or partaking of highly illegal activities!
Oh how I love French fries!
I live in Crazy Town.  In fact, I am mayor of Crazy Town.
After tucking Homeboy in to bed, I entered my kitchen, only to find my baby running circles around the kitchen island, with a butcher knife in tow!  Shear panic, and heart palpitations set in and I tried to nonchalantly approach my baby, carefully.  If I happen to jump and leap after him, I ran the risk of being impaled or even worse, he could run away, thus beginning the life of a crazed, knife, wielding, criminal.  So I went with the careful, quiet, approach.  The outcome was favorable for my side and thank heavens, no injuries occurred!

B-Man is not happy that I took away the very sharp and dangerous butcher knife away. Some day he will thank me for saving his life... AGAIN!


Thursday, January 30, 2014

Been Over a Year Slacker

Yesterday, as I was reading my e-mails, I had read an e-mail stating that it had been over a year since I had posted anything on my blog and that it would be inactivated, if I didn't post anything soon.
This past year has been a roller coaster of activities, emotions, and changes.  I am waist deep in the daily obligations of wife, mother, and trying to stay-a-float of the craziness that involves living with all boys!
The thought of my blog, being no-more, tugged at my heart.  Many times, I have sat down in front of my lap top, ready to share my joys, frustrations, ocd tendencies, cleaning tips, and crafting, but then found myself at a loss of words.  Or, just.plain.tired. 
So for my first blog post, I thought it would be fitting to share recent pictures of my boys.  As much as I demand time to stand still... it won't!

Cody turned 16 in August.  I have been told on many occasions of how handsome he is.  And he is!  He is very smart, loves to long board, and "hang with his friends".  I would like to say that the teenage years have been kind and fun to us... but they have, instead, been a challenge.  I am positive that the moment Cody's voice begun to change and pit hairs begun to sprout, aliens invaded his once, bright, and reasonable, brain.  We are looking forward to the day when the aliens return his brain to us!

Conner turned 6 in September.  SIX!  He started kindergarten and is doing very well.  Many witnessed me joyfully, frolicking through the tulips, on the first day of school!  Oh what a joyous day, it was! 
If you have followed my blog, or know me, you will know of the treacherous moments this boy has put us through!  He is famous through out our neighborhood and ward!  He continues to be my most destructive, emotional, and messy boy.  But along with his "crazy side" comes his funny and adorable side.  He has definitely created many, forever memories for our family!
Beckham turned one in June.  Time has flown by and I don't want him to grown up!  I want him to always have that little extra layer of baby fat on him.  I want him to never give up his pacifier!  If I have it my way, he will always wander our home with his baby blanket, in tow. 
Beckham is proving to be just as an active toddler as his big brother, Conner.  Lord have mercy!  I have a feeling, he will not be as quite and destructive, but time will tell.  So far, he loves standing on his tippy toes, reaching for whatever object or objects are with in reach, pulling them down then running away, as fast as he can, as if he is a running back, running for the goal.  He's a climber and is very resourceful in using objects to climb to reach things.  Baskets, books, toys, diaper boxes, loaf of bread... you name it, he has used it to climb on.  My favorite time of the day is when I rock him to sleep every night.  Steve is at work, Conner is in bed (usually not asleep yet) and Cody is downstairs, playing his guitar.  I know I should be strong and just let him fall asleep on his own, but my heart is just not ready to let go of our precious "alone time"!
Despite my chaotic, crazy, life, right now, my goal is to write on my blog at least once a month, or even more.  I have missed my lil 'ol blog-universe and hope to become re-acquainted again.