Monday, March 23, 2009

Toilet Wars

There are a few factors that determine just how different boys are compared to girls. Some are the obvious physical differences. Then there are some that will send chills up your spine! Some that can cause one to shudder in dismay! And some that make me want to curl up in the fetal position, suck my thumb, and mutter the words, "help me! help me!"

Growing up, I dreamed of giving birth to a sweet, precious, pink, baby girl. I would dress in her in all things frilly and cute. Put obnoxiously large, flowered, headbands on her head and I would let her hair grow long so that I could play with it for hours. We would be best of friends and would shop for patten, black, leather, Mary Jane's, together. I imagined what she would look like. Long, light brown hair, petite, polite, clean, and a daddy's girl. Because daddy's girls, make my heart melt.

Obviously, Heavenly Father, had another set of plans for me. I gave birth to two boys. And then, there is also the fact that I married a boy. And as you know it... boys have cooties.

Oh don't get me wrong, I love my boys. They are dang, flippin' cute and instead of shopping for black Mary Jane shoes together, we shop for Legos.

The things that my boys (oldest son and husband), and their friends, have done, have shocked and awed me over the years. Conner, I'm sure will be shocking me in due time. Urinating on the neighbor's property, farting, picking their nose and wiping it on the wall next to his bed only to let it to petrify and scratch my arm as I brushed against the wall, while making his bed. Those suckers can draw blood! And then there is the time when one of those boys trimmed his toe nails with one of my new steak knifes. Like I said...boys have cooties. (I threw the knife away)

But the one thing that sends me over the edge, are their toilet practices. Oh. My. Gosh. One only has to look at the bottom of a toilet, to find evidence of the above mentioned practices.

Last week me and my son obtained that dreaded stomach bug, going around. The bug that seems to have never left our neighborhood. The bug that causes horrific things to explode from both ends of our bodies. Nasty. And the after math wasn't too pretty. Once I was feeling better, I began the de-contamination process...washing every known towel, bedding, wash cloth, mat, and sleeping attire that was in the presence of our bouts with sickness. Our home soon smelled of a cleaning product bouquet of 409, Clorox Wipes, and Lysol. The toilet my son used caused me to gag, convulse, and scream in terror. It's true. I have witnesses.

Splattered toilet remnants. Unsightly streaks. And a stench that could make a skunk pick up her tail and high tail it out of there. Yup, it was that bad.

Then there was another time, when I went downstairs to clean the bathroom. I never know what to expect when I enter this bathroom. It's the bathroom that my son and his various friends use, the majority of the time. It's the bathroom closest to the video games. As I approached the toilet, I slowly lifted the toilet seat. Lifting the seat cover too quickly can cause me thrash about and foam at the mouth. Never had I seen a toxic waste, such as this. There should have been a bio hazard waste sign posted on the door.

Apparently, one of Cody's friends ran out of toilet paper and yelled for Cody to retrieve some paper goods for him to use. Cody offered a roll of paper towels. Which resulted in clogging the toilet...for several days. For some odd reason, Cody chose not to tell anyone about the toilet mishap. Brilliant!

The following are some other disturbing toilet images, that I'm pretty sure were the result of the male species.
The boys that I live with, I'm sure, have produced enough fertilizer, which I'm positive could grow a garden in our toilets.

Barney's invention was the envy to all of the other guys in the trailer park. Way to kill two birds with one stone, Barney!

I can't tell you how many times I've had to drip dry or gently walk to the closet that contains the toilet paper, all because boys are in-capable of replacing the empty toilet paper holders.

Only a guy would think this is a genius idea. Why not sit next to your friend while doing your business. Heck, you could share a newspaper.

(ancient Greek toilets)

I'm amazed at how the male species is unable to put the toilet seat down, once they are finished. They have a simple job to do, compared to women. You stand, AIM, shake, put toilet seat DOWN, flush, then wash hands. Personally, I have never fallen into a toilet because it is second nature for me to put the toilet seat down, before I sit. The problem is, I don't want to touch the toilet seat! One word....dribbles.

I wonder if these urinals smell as good as they look?

So there you have it, my friends. A little glimpse of what the toilet wars consist of with in my household of boys. May all of the ladies out there with husbands, and sons endure to the end...with Clorox Wipes near by.


  1. Clorox wipes are heaven sent. Their creator should get an Emmy. Or something. Boys do have cooties. girls have their own bathroom problems, though!

  2. You are awesome! You need to write a book! How do you think to write about all of this stuff? I hear ya though with the boys and the toilets, I live with two myself! if the Lord loves me at all, he will send me a baby girl! :)I do love my boys though :)

  3. I finally made mine, for the first time, clean up their own bathroom. Part of their "Deep Clean a Room a Day!" I heard the "gross" and "oh, I'm NOT cleaning that." I quickly reminded them that I am not the one who misses the toilet and I've been cleaning theirs for years!!! Can't wait for Thursday for them to clean the other bathroom!

  4. You find the craziest pictures for your blog! The flower urinals and the bike/outhouse were my favorites. Luckily, Brian is way to OCD to leave the seat up and he's passed the trait on to Corbin. Now I need him to teach Corbin how to aim. . .

  5. I agree about you writing a book--I'll read it :)

    And boys' are really gross when it comes to the bathroom. I feel that I should dress in a biohazard suit when I clean their bathroom--YUCK, yuck, YuCk, yUcK!

  6. I just want to say that girls are pretty nasty too, Mykah has to clean her own bathroom now and she's only here 6 days a month! Maybe as Konner gets older I'll have to install a floor to ceiling tiled urinal! Nasty boys!

  7. I love your potty humor. And I HATE it when I have to barf AND look at dried up yellow stuff on the floor - GAG!!! AGAIN!!!

    My fav pic has to be the one with all of the toilet paper rolls on the wall - genius!

  8. I am bawling. You are so funny. I love it. I have bathroom stories and boys too. None of them are as funny as this.

  9. Oh, this is so true. I always try and warn people who use Tanner's bathroom because it doesn't matter if he just cleaned it, I never know what I am going to find in there. He has a bad habit of not flushing, and it causes quite a stench and it is so hard to get it to go away.

  10. LOL!! You crack me up!

    I just got done cleaning those nasty things! LOVE the clorox wipes. What did I ever do without them.

  11. Clorox wipes are indeed heaven sent!! My daughter though messes up the entire bathroom with make-up and curling irons and straighteners.... Clutter clutter clutter!!! thouse sponge things for dishes work wonders though. Just file them with clorox clean-up and scrub away.... You don't have to touch a thing and the toilet is clean everywhere....


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