Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Grocery shopping with kids isn't for the weak!

I hate grocery shopping. I loathe it, despise it, regret it. I hate spending money on stuff that my family absolutely has to have in order for us to maintain our way of living (diapers, milk, eggs, cereal, chocolate). I hate loading the whiney kids into the car, buckling the wiggly baby in his car seat in 100 + degree heat, maneuvering the heavy cart with the retarded wheel around people who choose to stop in the middle of the aisles (dorks), and fending off the constant "can I get a toy? can I get a toy? can I get a toy?" rederick. Today it came down to that point of having no choice but to take on this challenge. Grumble, grumble. Does anyone have a recipe that includes the ingredients of Miracle Whip, Goldfish Crackers, and Ketchup? I didn't think so. Let's roll.

I think taking my kids to the store is punishment for all of the times I talked back to my mom, breaking curfew, fighting with the sibs (who me?), and throwing fits. As you read this, my mom is smiling and thinking to herself, "Yes! Revenge is mine!"

I pre-warn Cody that we are not looking at the toys, we are not going to buy a toy, we are not going to buy candy (we were just at the dentist), do not poke the meat, I don't care how much allowance I owe you... you're not buying a toy, stay with me, no you can't push the cart... I like my heels just the way they are, and don't heeley into anyone (shoes with the wheels). The only warning I have for Conner is.... NO SUCKING ON THE STAPH INFECTED CART! I'm sure I left something out.

Today's list of items are milk, diapers, hamster food, and pork chops. It's a simple list. Not too extravagant... I should be in and out in no time. Oh how the Grocery Store Gods work there clever magic on us mothers! It starts off with Conner sneezing and gobs of green, boogery, goo comes out. Of course I am the furthest distance away from any sort of papery goods to wipe his nose. He decides to rub it all over his face. Oh well, now we really blend in the other customers. We then proceed to the produce section... should I get some vegetables? Nah, that's what ketchup is for. On we go. We then go to get some pork chops. Cody obviously forgot the rules.

As we weave in out and out of the traffic, we come to a dead stop. Undoubtedly, there is Large Marge, bare foot and wreaking of cigarette smoke on the Amigo (motorized cart) provided by this shopping establishment for those who are not capable of walking the distance to the cookie or chips aisles. (I, however, like to run to the cookie/chips aisles). She's bossing her kids around, having them fetch the items on her list, and she doesn't have the time or manners to kindly move to side of the isle. I hate grocery shopping.

We are about to pass the video games and toy isles. Quickly now. Don't stop. Maybe Cody won't notice where we are. Oh crap he looked over. I knew we should've cut through housewares. "Mom...Can I look at the video games?" "Okay." (Yes, I caved. He's a sneaky one. He knows when I'm at my weakest.) "Mom.... Can." "No!" "Ca" "No!" "Can I" "Shut it!" "But why?"

I finally reach the check out counter. I've had it. I'm exhausted. The only entertainment here is the on going rederick of the "Can I gets", whining, gossip magazines (look at the cellulite on her!), and checking out what the people are buying in front of you.... hmmmmm, Preparation H, Tucks medicated pads, ice cream, tp, feminine hygiene products. Sucks to be her.

Well I came to the store for these items.....

And left with these items.

As we leave the shopping establishment, I give myself a little pat on the back. I avoided buying some sort of chocolaty form of indulgence. Yay me! Wait, is that a Baskin Robins?


  1. I feel your pain! I try to go with the fewest number of children possible. Going without them would be perfect, but I'm not that lucky!

    I use the Wendy's bribe. I also use the 7-11 bribe. Depends on the child. I love the loot. I get way too much when a gallon of milk is all I need...you've got to wash something down with the milk, afterall!

  2. You are hilarious! I so feel your pain. I HATE grocery shopping! I would rather scrub toilets! At least the toilet doesn't ask for candy and toys! I love going shopping if Ken is there. He is as bad as the kids and we spend way too much when we go together, but at least he will push the cart! Sam's Club is a trap for him! It's so nice to have Kaitlyn around to babysit, then I can leave the rugrats at home!

  3. You are too cute! Thanks for taking us shopping with you!

    That happens to all of us, I'm afraid. We go for 3 things and end up with 17. If you know someone who doesn't, I need to learn a few things from them. Glad to hear the filthy carts creep you out too...I am always sure that Jacob is going to wake up the next day with some nasty sickness when we go grocery shopping.

  4. You crack me up! I think you just described about every mom here. Thanks for making the rest of us feel better. Especially with your use of clever wording. I love reading your posts.

  5. Anonymous9:02 PM

    I love your posts, such entertainment, the Baskin Robbins made me hungry. I don't have the grocery store problem (ha,ha) my kids HATE shopping probably because it is my only form of entertainment and I make them come! They climb in the freezer section, hide behind TP and buy things by themselves when I'm not looking (Grandma gives them dollars). . .

  6. Dude. I could have written this entire post.
    DO you know how badly I hate grocery shopping? So badly that I put it off until there is absolutely nothing but ketchup and mustard in my house. Going to the store is an annoying event.

    Plus, walmart sucks.

  7. I too try to slither in and out as quickly as possible. NOw Scott is a diabetic I have to take much more time reading the labels and deciding just how many carbs does that really have??? My LITTLE kids Brock and Alex don't go shopping with me. I'm stuck with the big kid Scott who can't have sugar and refined carbs soooo... We purchase lots of fruits and vegetables at twice the price of my prized zingers, ding dongs and pepsi. I do however have to splurge during the EASTER season for Dove Truffle eggs. Lo and behold I did send the diabetic for Easter Candy big mistake. Does he not know that EASTER Candy must be chocolate with the maximum amount of calories possible per bite?? I guess not. Maybe next year!!!

  8. I think grocery shopping is hell with kids. If I can just take Whitley, I can usually do pretty good, but if Tag comes, it gets bad real fast. I have to keep him in the cart so he doesn't run away from me and he will start to throw things out when I am not looking. So I get home without things I know I put in the cart. I try never to go with Tanner because he always wants a toy and the whole time we are shopping, I am saying, "NO!, NO! Because I said so! No means no!" It is so draining.

  9. So entertaining Jen! You make me want to come over to your house and be entertained for hours on end! It's even more fun grocery shopping with 3 little kids. One time they ran outside while I was trying to pay. I had to leave everything with the cashier (at Harmons). We were on one side of the store and they ran out the complete opposite door. I know what people are thinking when they see me go shopping with my kids...maybe they're right. I might want to invest in a leish or two.

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