Thursday, May 15, 2014

No Boys Allowed - Part 3

A couple of months ago, I woke up from a deep sleep, panting and dripping in sweat.  A wipe of my brow and few deep breaths in and out, I managed to compose myself and I began to wonder what terrifying dream could cause such a reaction.  I strained my brain, as I tried to remember the events that developed with in the cockles of my brain, while deep in REM sleep mode.  Then it hit me... my house looks like crap.  My carpet looks like crap.  Stains galore!  Just the other day, Homer (the Gomer) marked his territory, by peeing in the middle of the hallway as soon as I took him out of the bath tub. 
 My walls look like crap.  Dents, scratches, red sharpie marker works of art, destroyed corners, and not to mention Homey has used his bedroom walls as a punching bag. They are in need of painting and repairing.
  My bathrooms and kitchen are dated.  When I look at my kitchen cabinets, I must fight the urge to break out into a popular song and dance from the 90s - Mmmmm Bop performed by the band, Hanson.  Not good!
My household is never quiet and is never ever, still.  I feel as though my boys have a secret plot against me.  Their main purpose is to make me go crazy.  It is working.  The proof is the above nightmare, that I mentioned.
I knew I needed to do something about the dire need to refresh and redo my poor, worn out, home.  So about a month ago I began the very slow process of "changing things up".  I knew that by adding new colors, new styles, new finishes and textures, would do my heart and sanity some good.  Due to my pathetic excuse of a budget, lack of time, and well, let's face it... my boys can be evil, it will take me a good amount of time to accomplish my makeover visions. 
I know what you are thinking.  You are thinking that my makeover visions will resemble those of my dream Zen Cottage.  Not so much.  Could you imagine what my boys would to such precious items and décor?!?!?!  Can you imagine the fungus?!?!?!  The stench?!?!?!?!  It's enough to send me in to anaphylactic shock!
No, instead the décor of my home has a common theme, through out - camouflage.  What colors, textures, and surfaces can I use, that will camouflage the scuzz that each and every knick knack will encounter.  *sigh*
One of the rooms that I want to tackle in the re-design area, is the main bathroom, upstairs.  I am seriously considering using the color schemes of fungus green and urine yellow.  Yes?  No?
The color "white" is a big no-no, when you live with four boys.  However, check out my dream, cottage, bathrooms!  So fresh!  So clean! 

Love the look of re purposing an old dresser in to the bathroom sink!  If I were to re purpose one of my boy's dressers, I would somehow have to figure out a way to incorporate Lego stickers, bite marks, and purple paint stains.  Don't ask.

My dream zen cottage bathroom would also require fancily shaped mirrors and fresh bouquets of flowers.
 What kind of cottage bathroom, would even be considered a legitimate cottage bathroom, without a blingy chandelier and claw foot tub?  Any other so-called cottage bathroom, that lacks blingy chandeliers and claw foot tubs, should just be ashamed of themselves!

 My zen cottage bathroom would also include precisely placed, neatly wrapped, soaps, potions, lotions, and sponges.  They would of course only be used for décor purposes and would never actually be used to bathe oneself.
I must have a pedestal to place my goat milk soap on!
 I just had a vision of what a large apothecary jar, filled with bars of soap, that was placed in our main upstairs bathroom, would look like.  A big globular, slimy, clump, of soap remnants.  Instead of a monochromatic theme of whites and creams, there would be a rainbow of marbled green Irish Soap, white Ivory Soap, green Lava, and yellow Dial Soap.  They would be the thickness of a piece of paper, broken into pieces, and caked on with dirt and some questionable hairs.  Yeeeeeesh!
Wooden toothbrushes?  Yes please!
 Is there no end to the plethora of uses of the almighty and versatile Mason Jar?  I think not!  I am seriously considering using one of my antique, blue, Mason jars to house tampons...

It's a well known fact that the bathroom can be a retreat of calm and child-less pleasure.  A nice warm bubble bath, candle light, and soothing tunes can transform a mommy into a ball of happy mush.  
It's rare for me to experience such pleasure.  Just today my 16 year old stood outside of my locked, bathroom, door, asking if I can buy him some tank tops for summer, while I was sitting upon my toilet.  *crickets chirping*  I wanted to reply to his demands with a lovely melody of horrific sounds and smells that multitudes of bathrooms house, day in and day out.  But instead, I chose to yell at him.  It's what every normal mom would do.
I know someday, I will miss the little voices telling me stories on the other side of my locked bathroom doors. But there is something to be said, about cherishing a little "mommy me time"! 
When that day comes, I shall be engulfed in a cloud of sheer bliss and something miraculous will happen.
Obviously, Tad here, is owner of his very own Zen Cottage Bathroom.

 Koom by ya, Tad.  Koom by ya.

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