This morning, as I was mulling over various flashback photos and memories, I was having a dilemma as to what I should post. Should I post about my big 80's hair? Or the dorkiest picture of me at my piano recital? How about the time when me, my friends, and some boys from Riverton (Wyoming that is), met at the falls to go swimming and "something" slipped out? (this just happens to be one of the most horrific moments of my life) What should I do? Ahhhhhhh!
To get my mind off of my little quandary, I read some blogs. Then an idea hit me right between the eyes, as I was reading this cute lady's blog. She has been documenting her dating woes, before she met her main man. And ohhhhh did she have some dating woes! She's a hoot and a friend of mine! So anyhoo, I decided to tell you about my worst date ever! I wish I had a picture, but alas I failed to take a picture of this repulsive experience.
I was 21 years old, single, but dating this Game and Fish Warden, named Brad. I was living in an apartment with a friend and was contemplating whether I should move to Utah or not. I was home alone in my apartment (probably watching t.v.) and the phone rang.
"Hello," I said.
"Hello, is Jennifer there?"
"This is her."
"Hey Jennifer, this is Clay Applebutter." (I've changed the guy's last name just in case he happens to stumble upon my blog and comes after me with a lawsuit or something. This made up last name is similar to his actual last name. And maybe, just maybe his last name is the same as a famous restaurant chain's name.)
"Hey Jennifer did you hear about me and Echo?"
"No. What happened?"
"She was having an affair with some guy and we broke up."
"No way! I can't believe she would do that! I'm sorry to hear about that."
This was a shock to me. Echo was one of my dear and best friends growing up. Sadly we are no longer friends, due to her choice to live a life of drugs and alcohol. (that's a whole other story) She had been dating Clay for a year or so and was living with him. Supposedly, Echo and Clay picked up some hitch hikers and let them stay at their apartment. She ended up in the arms of one of the hitch hikers.
At first I thought Clay just needed to talk about his recent break up and how difficult it was to get over her. Ohhhhh I was wrong.
The next thing I knew Clay was asking me on a date! Just a couple of days after his relationship broke up! Now Clay was a nice guy, but I had absolutely no attraction to him. He was a balding (no offense to balding men, hubbin!) 300 pound, 20 something guy, with a huge butt! And I mean huge! You could place 2 open cans of pop (soda) on top of each cheek and not one drop would spill out of the top, while he walked!
"So, you know I've always thought you were cute," he said to me.
"What the crap!" I thought to myself.
"Oh really?" I said.
"Do you want to get together Friday night?"
"He can't be asking me on a date?!?!?!?!" I thought. "He just broke up with his girlfriend! Maybe he just needs to talk about it with someone. He just needs someone to justify his recent loss."
Yeah, right! Well I felt sorry for the guy and told him, "yes". The second I said "yes", I regretted my decision.
The whole week I tried to figure out a way to get out of this date. I also knew that if Echo found out, her wrath would be ugly. I would spew my worries to my roommate and Echo's older sister. "What if he tries to kiss me? Blech! What if someone sees us?" I dreaded Friday night. Then again, maybe he wasn't thinking of this "get together" as a date.
Friday night came. I wore just a plain pair of jeans and an old tee shirt. I did not even try to attempt to look good. I didn't not want to give Clay the wrong idea. This was not a date, date. Just a get together to talk about his recent break up.
I answered the door and there he stood... wearing khaki shorts (he never wore pants and it was snowing), and hiking boots.
"Hi! You look good!" he said.
"Thanks." I said in my most un-enthused voice.
In my mind I was thinking, "I look good? What? How did that happen? Ug, I'm going to throw up."
We walked to his beat up little car and there on the passenger seat was a red rose. Up to that minute I kept on telling myself that this wasn't a date. I was wrong. He opened the car door for me and handed me the rose.
"For you, me lady!" he said in a dorky English accent. And yes, he did say "me lady".
"Thanks." I said again in my most un-enthused voice.
"So I thought we would go to my apartment and just watch a movie or two."
What! I do not want to be alone with Clay Applebutter! This sucks! Maybe I will come down with a severe case of the stomach flu, or diarrhea. Oh yes, I was willing to endure a severe case of diarrhea to get out of this date!
We arrived to his apartment. Oh crap! There was only a couch to sit on. "Right now would be a good time for that onset of severe diarrhea," I thought to myself.
I sat down on the couch and immediately placed the rose next to me... length wise. I wanted as much room as possible between us. He then sat down next to the rose. "Oh yes! It worked!" Then he picked up the rose and placed it on my lap. And instead of removing his hand, he left it there! I could feel my leg begin to shrivel. I was so shocked that he left his hand on my leg, I immediately catapulted backwards, into the corner of the couch and retrieved my poor decimated leg. Oh please let this night be over!
"So what movie do want to watch?" Clay asked me as he showed me an array of movies he had rented.
None of them looked appealing to me. Half of them I never even heard of.
"Oh, I don't know."
"How about this one?" he asked.
"I don't care. Whatever."
"Have you seen this one?"
"No, I've never even heard of it."
"Oh this is my favorite movie! You have to watch this movie!" he said enthusiastically.
The movie was from the 70's and called something like "Maude". It was about some teenage dork boy that tries to kill himself and becomes friends with this old freaky lady. I think they actually ended up in bed. Ohhh ick! It was the dumbest movie I have ever seen!
During the entire movie Clay Applebutter would try move in for the kill. I would put up my best defenses and just happen to re-adjust my legs or go to the bathroom... like 5 times.
I tried to think of ways of how I can make Clay not be interested in me. I remember reading in some magazine about the do's and don'ts of dating. I decided to try out all of the don'ts. I talked about all of my old boyfriends. I talked about the guy that I was kinda dating at the time and even suggested that he could be the one! Oh yes, I went there! I think I even picked my nose, on purpose, to ward off Clay's passes. It wasn't working! Then in the middle of the movie, the power went out. Blackness. "This could be a good thing," I thought to myself.
"Oh no. I can't believe the power went out. Guess you'll have to drive me home now," I told Clay Applebutter.
"I have an even better idea," he said with a creepy smile on his face.
"I'll light some candles and we can cuddle and talk."
The only thing I could mutter was, "uuuuuu, but, uuuuuu, wait."
Before I could respond, he jumped into action and lit about 5 candles. Then he grabbed the rose and started to tear petals off and scattered them on the couch.
He stood in front of me and held his hands out to me. "Would you like to have this dance me lady?" he asked in that stupid English accent.
"Uh, no. There's no music. I have to have music when I dance." I was grasping for any excuse. "You know, I had better be going home now. It's getting late (it was only 8:00 p.m.) and the snow is really coming down now," I said, desperately.
Clay Applebutter could care less. He grabbed my arm and pulled me to him. It was useless. There wasn't much contest between lil 'ol me and a 300 lb., big butt, man. Then he placed his hand on my head and tried to push it to his chest. My head actually landed on top of his pot belly. Just picture it.... this very large man, forcing this short petite, helpless girl to dance with him, with her head plastered to his sweaty belly. I couldn't even lay my head down flat due to the curvature of his belly.
I pushed away from him, enough to put a triple combination between us. I was in hell. I was desperate to get out of this situation. Desperate I tell ya! And when you are desperate, sometimes a gal has gotta do what a gal has gotta do... I lied. Yes, I lied.
"Oh, my word!" I said as if I just had an epiphany.
"I just remembered I'm suppose to help my mom bake some pies!" I proclaimed. It was the lamest of all lamest lies, but like I said, it had to be done.
"Pies!" he said. "Nu-ah?"
"Yeah, I totally forgot. We have company coming tomorrow and she really needs help." I said with great intensity in my voice.
He looked into my eyes and then asked, "Are you lying?"
"No! No! You can even ask my mom!" In my mind I was thinking, "Oh please don't call my mom, please don't call my mom!"
"Okay, I'll take you home now. But you owe me!"
What? I owe you nothing brother!
"Yeah, I owe you," I said. I was willing to say anything to make this date end.
We got into his car and he drove me back to my apartment. He parked in the parking lot and then he asked me, "So can I have a kiss?"
"No, I don't kiss on the first date." I totally lied again. If "plumber guy" tried to kiss me on the first date, I would be puckering up before he could even tilt his head!
"C'mon just a little kiss," he pleaded.
"No, I don't kiss on the first date." Hopefully he never bumps into one of the guys I had dated and asks them if I kissed them on the first date or not.
"Oh c'mon! C'mon! Just one kiss!"
"What's with this dude?" I thought. "No means no you worm!"
"Um, no. Sorry, I have to pass."
After about 5 minutes he finally gave up. I quickly thanked him (for nothing) and sprinted up to the stairs up to my apartment. I sprinted like I was running away from a hungry lioness. I didn't look back for the fear of finding him right on my heels. I anxiously fumbled my key ring for the right key, inserting the wrong key into the lock. "Where's my key!?!?!?!? Where's my key!?!?!?!?!" My roommate was out of town. I was in trouble. I looked towards the parking lot to see if the predator was approaching. Then I saw his car's dome light go on. He was getting out of his car! No! No! "Must find key!" Then I remembered, I took my key off of my key ring earlier that day. It was inside of my apartment. I wanted to cry. I could not believe this was happening to me. I quickly spurtted off a little prayer, "Heavenly Father, please, please, please let me find a way to escape!" Then a thought came to me, "maybe I forgot to lock the door." Just like in the movies, with the evil predator coming closer and closer, I turned the door knob in slow motion. It was unlocked. I pushed open the door and slammed it behind me. I turned the dead bolt lock to the right and stood against the door, panting with fear. I'm alive! I'm alive! And I will never answer the phone again and I will only drive on the back roads from now on, just to avoid Clay Applebutter.